सींग थे रोड ठाट हस बीन Traveled

Sometimes seeing the road that we have traveled in life is hard to see because we are only looking forward at what is to come on the road.

Today, I was able to turn around and look back at the road that I have traveled thus far. I must say that it is pretty impressive.

I left the Hillbilly life almost 8 years ago. It will be 8 years in October. When I left, I was an emotional mess! I am almost certain now after stepping back from the situation, that I had post traumatic stress syndrome back then.

For 12 years I was not allowed to buy my own clothing or even pick out what I would wear from the store. Either he would buy my clothes for me or I would get his mother's hand me downs. His mother was about a size 12 and I was a size 3. It didn't matter, I had to wear what she gave me and be thankful for it.

I had no access to any money. He would give me a certain amount for groceries in cash and I had better have reciepts for everything and the exact cash to give him back when I was done. It was the same for getting the kids clothing and other things. I had to ask if I wanted five dollars to spend at the corner store.

I was told who I could be friends with and everything in my life was controlled by this man.

When I very first left and started out on my own again. I really had to re learn how to be on my own. I was so scared to make decissions for me and the kids. I was terrified that I was going to do something wrong!

I was certain that he was lurking behind every corner to come and get me and make us go back. I wouldn't even go out my apartment door and walk the 4 steps to the pop machine in the stair well alone. I was so fearful of everything back then.

I remember being so afraid on the train one day because there were lots of people on the train. I was frozen and I couldn't move. I hid my head and I just wanted to get off the train. This was so un-natural for me. I grew up in the city, crowds had never bothered me before.

I still have my fears and issues but they are not nearly as many as they were 8 years ago. They are slowly getting better. I am dealing with the abuse better as time goes on.