Sometimes seeing the road that we have traveled in life is hard to see because we are only looking forward at what is to come on the road.
Today, I was able to turn around and look back at the road that I have traveled thus far. I must say that it is pretty impressive.
I left the Hillbilly life almost 8 years ago. It will be 8 years in October. When I left, I was an emotional mess! I am almost certain now after stepping back from the situation, that I had post traumatic stress syndrome back then.
For 12 years I was not allowed to buy my own clothing or even pick out what I would wear from the store. Either he would buy my clothes for me or I would get his mother's hand me downs. His mother was about a size 12 and I was a size 3. It didn't matter, I had to wear what she gave me and be thankful for it.
I had no access to any money. He would give me a certain amount for groceries in cash and I had better have reciepts for everything and the exact cash to give him back when I was done. It was the same for getting the kids clothing and other things. I had to ask if I wanted five dollars to spend at the corner store.
I was told who I could be friends with and everything in my life was controlled by this man.
When I very first left and started out on my own again. I really had to re learn how to be on my own. I was so scared to make decissions for me and the kids. I was terrified that I was going to do something wrong!
I was certain that he was lurking behind every corner to come and get me and make us go back. I wouldn't even go out my apartment door and walk the 4 steps to the pop machine in the stair well alone. I was so fearful of everything back then.
I remember being so afraid on the train one day because there were lots of people on the train. I was frozen and I couldn't move. I hid my head and I just wanted to get off the train. This was so un-natural for me. I grew up in the city, crowds had never bothered me before.
I still have my fears and issues but they are not nearly as many as they were 8 years ago. They are slowly getting better. I am dealing with the abuse better as time goes on.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
You Will Never Know
You will never know how much I truly loved you in the beginning of our relationship when things were new and you were so kind and loving to me.
You will never know how much I longed to be your ONLY love. I longed for you to tell me that I was the only woman for you. I was wonderful and you loved me as much as I loved you.
You will never know how much I truly tried to make you see how much I loved you. I would do anything you asked of you. I even got up at the crack of dawn to make you a fresh lunch every day and I made sure that you had a hot meal on the table the minute you got home. When you said that you needed someone to run you a bath and get you clean clothes for after your bath, I was only too happy to do it for you. I loved catering to you because I knew it made you feel good. I always wished that you would want to make me feel as good and wonderful as I strove to make you feel.
You will never know how much I was hurting inside because of all the times you chose to have affairs with other women. How often I wondered how I could be so ugly and awful that you wouldn’t want to be with just me.
You will never know how much pain I felt every time you physically harmed me in our relationship. It wasn’t just physical pain I was feeling. I was more hurt by knowing that you didn’t care if you physically hurt me or not. I loved you so much and yet you could hurt me and not even consider that you had hurt me. Sometimes you would apologise for hurting me but that was usually only when you left marks on my body and you were ashamed to see those marks.
You will never know how your drinking has affected me over the years. I can no longer take a drink and not worry about my actions. I get scared when men that I love drink, I am afraid that I will get physically harmed if they drink too much.
You will never know how our relationship affected our children. You are not the wonderful father that you think you are. Our children saw things that no child should ever have to see in their lifetime.
You will never know how much I wish you could apologise for all the pain you inflicted on me for all those years. I know that will never happen because you will never see what you did as something that was wrong. In your mind, it was the fault of me and everything else that made you do those things.
You will never know how much I regret giving you the chance to be in my life. I had a good relationship before you came in my life all those years ago. I was young and naïve and I honestly thought that I could find the kind of love that I had before you anywhere. I was wrong.
You will never know how much I regret being so stubborn. If I was a person who gave up easily, our relationship would have been over much sooner and I wouldn’t have had all this pain and suffering to deal with.
You will never know how much I longed to be your ONLY love. I longed for you to tell me that I was the only woman for you. I was wonderful and you loved me as much as I loved you.
You will never know how much I truly tried to make you see how much I loved you. I would do anything you asked of you. I even got up at the crack of dawn to make you a fresh lunch every day and I made sure that you had a hot meal on the table the minute you got home. When you said that you needed someone to run you a bath and get you clean clothes for after your bath, I was only too happy to do it for you. I loved catering to you because I knew it made you feel good. I always wished that you would want to make me feel as good and wonderful as I strove to make you feel.
You will never know how much I was hurting inside because of all the times you chose to have affairs with other women. How often I wondered how I could be so ugly and awful that you wouldn’t want to be with just me.
You will never know how much pain I felt every time you physically harmed me in our relationship. It wasn’t just physical pain I was feeling. I was more hurt by knowing that you didn’t care if you physically hurt me or not. I loved you so much and yet you could hurt me and not even consider that you had hurt me. Sometimes you would apologise for hurting me but that was usually only when you left marks on my body and you were ashamed to see those marks.
You will never know how your drinking has affected me over the years. I can no longer take a drink and not worry about my actions. I get scared when men that I love drink, I am afraid that I will get physically harmed if they drink too much.
You will never know how our relationship affected our children. You are not the wonderful father that you think you are. Our children saw things that no child should ever have to see in their lifetime.
You will never know how much I wish you could apologise for all the pain you inflicted on me for all those years. I know that will never happen because you will never see what you did as something that was wrong. In your mind, it was the fault of me and everything else that made you do those things.
You will never know how much I regret giving you the chance to be in my life. I had a good relationship before you came in my life all those years ago. I was young and naïve and I honestly thought that I could find the kind of love that I had before you anywhere. I was wrong.
You will never know how much I regret being so stubborn. If I was a person who gave up easily, our relationship would have been over much sooner and I wouldn’t have had all this pain and suffering to deal with.
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