You Will Never Know

You will never know how much I truly loved you in the beginning of our relationship when things were new and you were so kind and loving to me.

You will never know how much I longed to be your ONLY love. I longed for you to tell me that I was the only woman for you. I was wonderful and you loved me as much as I loved you.

You will never know how much I truly tried to make you see how much I loved you. I would do anything you asked of you. I even got up at the crack of dawn to make you a fresh lunch every day and I made sure that you had a hot meal on the table the minute you got home. When you said that you needed someone to run you a bath and get you clean clothes for after your bath, I was only too happy to do it for you. I loved catering to you because I knew it made you feel good. I always wished that you would want to make me feel as good and wonderful as I strove to make you feel.

You will never know how much I was hurting inside because of all the times you chose to have affairs with other women. How often I wondered how I could be so ugly and awful that you wouldn’t want to be with just me.

You will never know how much pain I felt every time you physically harmed me in our relationship. It wasn’t just physical pain I was feeling. I was more hurt by knowing that you didn’t care if you physically hurt me or not. I loved you so much and yet you could hurt me and not even consider that you had hurt me. Sometimes you would apologise for hurting me but that was usually only when you left marks on my body and you were ashamed to see those marks.

You will never know how your drinking has affected me over the years. I can no longer take a drink and not worry about my actions. I get scared when men that I love drink, I am afraid that I will get physically harmed if they drink too much.

You will never know how our relationship affected our children. You are not the wonderful father that you think you are. Our children saw things that no child should ever have to see in their lifetime.

You will never know how much I wish you could apologise for all the pain you inflicted on me for all those years. I know that will never happen because you will never see what you did as something that was wrong. In your mind, it was the fault of me and everything else that made you do those things.

You will never know how much I regret giving you the chance to be in my life. I had a good relationship before you came in my life all those years ago. I was young and naïve and I honestly thought that I could find the kind of love that I had before you anywhere. I was wrong.

You will never know how much I regret being so stubborn. If I was a person who gave up easily, our relationship would have been over much sooner and I wouldn’t have had all this pain and suffering to deal with.