I was married/lived common law with a very abusive man for 10 years or more. I honestly thought that the day that I left his grips for good, that everything would be fine and wonderful. It has been for the most part.
I get so angry tho because even after 7 years of not living with this person, I am still deathly terrified of this person. Everytime he drops off the kids and I get within a few feet of him, I start shaking like a leaf. I don't trust that I am safe in his presence. I really fear that I will tick him off somehow and that I will end being physically hurt by this person.... again.
I get so angry because I know that he is controlling by making sure that I fear him. It makes me angry that I can't be stronger than I am and show him that I am NOT afraid of him. I can't do that when inside I am gripped with terror when I am around him.
Everytime I see him, I see all the horrible things that he did to me every day for all those years. I hear his voice telling that I am a slut, a c*nt, a whore, lazy, useless and all those other things that I heard every day for so long. I see all the physical violence that I experienced at his hands.
It has taken me 7 years to get my self esteem back but when he is in my doorway, it all goes away while he is there.When he is in my house dropping off my kids, I feel helpless again. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I don't want to upset him because I know that when he is mad, it is not pretty for a person that is smaller than him. I fake all kinds of things when he is here. I smile and pretend to be happy but inside I am screaming PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!
A friend today said that maybe I should make it so that he picks up and drops off somewhere else. I don't feel that I can do that because he would get mad if I did that. I am more afraid of making that man mad than anything else in this world.When someone has had that much control over you and your life for that many years, it is hard to accept that they can't or won't hurt you anymore. I know that if he wanted to he could come here and hurt me very badly any time he wanted. So for my safety and that of my children I choose not to rock the boat. I know that I am letting him control me still to this day and I hate that but I feel that this is best for my kids and I.Most people don't understand this. It is really hard to understand when you haven't lived thru being beaten by someone almost daily. When someone hasn't told you every day that they hate you and wish you were dead.
It is really hard for men to come into my life and understand the fear that I feel for this man. They don't understand that as much as I would love to tell him how things are going to be, I simply CAN'T. I KNOW that he is controlling me in a sense and I accept that. However I can't take a stand to this man.
Even after all these years, I am still afraid of making that man mad. I KNOW in my mind that he could kill me if he really wanted to. I am just glad that I was able to get out and become the person that I am today!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
He Made Me Who I Am Today
For the last seven years I have always said that the Hillbilly made me who I am today. However recently I have realized at what expence it was that I became who I am today.
Last night I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and he asked if I held grudges if he appologized and tried to make his wrongs right. I told him that I appreciate that he accepts when he is wrong and tries to make things right.I then told him that I have a hard time telling the men I am with when I feel that they have hurt me. Then I started to cry. Not because I was sad but because I was angry.
Yet another thing that the Hillbilly taught me that has become a part of me.I have a hard time telling men when I feel that they have hurt me because for so many years I was being hurt daily. Whether it be physically or emotionally. I wouldn't tell him that he had hurt me because I knew that he would take some sick sense of joy out of it. It was better to keep it inside and not say anything. It wasn't like he would change his ways anyway.
I try so hard to realize that the person that I am with is not the same as the Hillbilly. It takes every ounce of trust in my being to accept that I am not going to be hurt again. Sometimes I wonder when it is going to happen and I wait for it anxiously.When I first left the Hillbilly, I truly believed it was only a matter of time before I would be hit by a man. The last man showed me that wasn't true and for that I am grateful.
When I am afraid the old Fright or Flight instinct kicks in. For me it is FIGHT. I had to fight for so many years just to make it thru. That is all I know when it comes to instincts now. I really wish I wasn't like that but how can I be any different?
I am really proud of who I am today. Most people wouldn't recognize the person I was 10-12 years ago. They would see a woman who was so timid that she wouldn't barely speak to anyone. She wouldn't dare go out with friends without his permission. She didn't even pick her own clothes to wear because she didn't want him to get mad because her choice was too revealing. She had friends that he approved of, which were mostly the wives of the men he worked with. She was always home alone with the kids.I love the person I have become today. However sometimes I get angry with the reason why I am the person I am today. Sometimes I wish I could have become this woman not by living thru 12 years of hell but by being strong from the start.
I know that I was put on this earth for a reason and I was given this life for a reason. Perhaps I needed to learn humility and perserverance.
I am always amazed at how little people will acknowledge spousal abuse. They all know that it happens but when they see evidence of it no one does anything. The person being abused is too terrified to say anything and is simply hoping that someone will say something and help them get out of the situation for me that never happened. I had to leave 6 times before finally leaving for good. It took every ounce of courage to leave all of those times. Each time I knew that he may find me and he would be mad when he found me. Even knowing that I would still leave in hopes of having a normal life for my kids and I.Every person that I went to for help, let me down. I went to my doctor saying that I couldn't stop crying and he told me that I was depressed (Gee I wonder why?!). He gave me meds for depression. I went back saying that they weren't making it any better. He told me that until my family life got better the meds wouldn't work. He didn't offer any other help. I left feeling let down by my doctor. Why couldn't he help me get out of there. I know that wasn't his job but couldn't someone help a woman who felt helpless to a man that was so much stronger than she was? Even the police couldn't help me. I got a restraining order and it was a joke really. It really makes me sad how society is when it comes to spousal abuse.
Last night I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and he asked if I held grudges if he appologized and tried to make his wrongs right. I told him that I appreciate that he accepts when he is wrong and tries to make things right.I then told him that I have a hard time telling the men I am with when I feel that they have hurt me. Then I started to cry. Not because I was sad but because I was angry.
Yet another thing that the Hillbilly taught me that has become a part of me.I have a hard time telling men when I feel that they have hurt me because for so many years I was being hurt daily. Whether it be physically or emotionally. I wouldn't tell him that he had hurt me because I knew that he would take some sick sense of joy out of it. It was better to keep it inside and not say anything. It wasn't like he would change his ways anyway.
I try so hard to realize that the person that I am with is not the same as the Hillbilly. It takes every ounce of trust in my being to accept that I am not going to be hurt again. Sometimes I wonder when it is going to happen and I wait for it anxiously.When I first left the Hillbilly, I truly believed it was only a matter of time before I would be hit by a man. The last man showed me that wasn't true and for that I am grateful.
When I am afraid the old Fright or Flight instinct kicks in. For me it is FIGHT. I had to fight for so many years just to make it thru. That is all I know when it comes to instincts now. I really wish I wasn't like that but how can I be any different?
I am really proud of who I am today. Most people wouldn't recognize the person I was 10-12 years ago. They would see a woman who was so timid that she wouldn't barely speak to anyone. She wouldn't dare go out with friends without his permission. She didn't even pick her own clothes to wear because she didn't want him to get mad because her choice was too revealing. She had friends that he approved of, which were mostly the wives of the men he worked with. She was always home alone with the kids.I love the person I have become today. However sometimes I get angry with the reason why I am the person I am today. Sometimes I wish I could have become this woman not by living thru 12 years of hell but by being strong from the start.
I know that I was put on this earth for a reason and I was given this life for a reason. Perhaps I needed to learn humility and perserverance.
I am always amazed at how little people will acknowledge spousal abuse. They all know that it happens but when they see evidence of it no one does anything. The person being abused is too terrified to say anything and is simply hoping that someone will say something and help them get out of the situation for me that never happened. I had to leave 6 times before finally leaving for good. It took every ounce of courage to leave all of those times. Each time I knew that he may find me and he would be mad when he found me. Even knowing that I would still leave in hopes of having a normal life for my kids and I.Every person that I went to for help, let me down. I went to my doctor saying that I couldn't stop crying and he told me that I was depressed (Gee I wonder why?!). He gave me meds for depression. I went back saying that they weren't making it any better. He told me that until my family life got better the meds wouldn't work. He didn't offer any other help. I left feeling let down by my doctor. Why couldn't he help me get out of there. I know that wasn't his job but couldn't someone help a woman who felt helpless to a man that was so much stronger than she was? Even the police couldn't help me. I got a restraining order and it was a joke really. It really makes me sad how society is when it comes to spousal abuse.
Escaping To The City
I started this blog as a way to heal my soul and spirit. For twelve years I was an abused wife. I lived thru many horrible things.
This blog tells of life after seven years of escaping and how I handle things now. The fear of this man is still very alive in my heart. I don't think I will ever NOT be afraid of this man and that infuriates me. No person should be that terrified of a person. Especially not a person that was supposed to have loved you.
This blog tells of life after seven years of escaping and how I handle things now. The fear of this man is still very alive in my heart. I don't think I will ever NOT be afraid of this man and that infuriates me. No person should be that terrified of a person. Especially not a person that was supposed to have loved you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
