I was married/lived common law with a very abusive man for 10 years or more. I honestly thought that the day that I left his grips for good, that everything would be fine and wonderful. It has been for the most part.

I get so angry tho because even after 7 years of not living with this person, I am still deathly terrified of this person. Everytime he drops off the kids and I get within a few feet of him, I start shaking like a leaf. I don't trust that I am safe in his presence. I really fear that I will tick him off somehow and that I will end being physically hurt by this person.... again.

I get so angry because I know that he is controlling by making sure that I fear him. It makes me angry that I can't be stronger than I am and show him that I am NOT afraid of him. I can't do that when inside I am gripped with terror when I am around him.

Everytime I see him, I see all the horrible things that he did to me every day for all those years. I hear his voice telling that I am a slut, a c*nt, a whore, lazy, useless and all those other things that I heard every day for so long. I see all the physical violence that I experienced at his hands.

It has taken me 7 years to get my self esteem back but when he is in my doorway, it all goes away while he is there.When he is in my house dropping off my kids, I feel helpless again. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I don't want to upset him because I know that when he is mad, it is not pretty for a person that is smaller than him. I fake all kinds of things when he is here. I smile and pretend to be happy but inside I am screaming PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!

A friend today said that maybe I should make it so that he picks up and drops off somewhere else. I don't feel that I can do that because he would get mad if I did that. I am more afraid of making that man mad than anything else in this world.When someone has had that much control over you and your life for that many years, it is hard to accept that they can't or won't hurt you anymore. I know that if he wanted to he could come here and hurt me very badly any time he wanted. So for my safety and that of my children I choose not to rock the boat. I know that I am letting him control me still to this day and I hate that but I feel that this is best for my kids and I.Most people don't understand this. It is really hard to understand when you haven't lived thru being beaten by someone almost daily. When someone hasn't told you every day that they hate you and wish you were dead.

It is really hard for men to come into my life and understand the fear that I feel for this man. They don't understand that as much as I would love to tell him how things are going to be, I simply CAN'T. I KNOW that he is controlling me in a sense and I accept that. However I can't take a stand to this man.

Even after all these years, I am still afraid of making that man mad. I KNOW in my mind that he could kill me if he really wanted to. I am just glad that I was able to get out and become the person that I am today!