He Made Me Who I Am Today

For the last seven years I have always said that the Hillbilly made me who I am today. However recently I have realized at what expence it was that I became who I am today.

Last night I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and he asked if I held grudges if he appologized and tried to make his wrongs right. I told him that I appreciate that he accepts when he is wrong and tries to make things right.I then told him that I have a hard time telling the men I am with when I feel that they have hurt me. Then I started to cry. Not because I was sad but because I was angry.

Yet another thing that the Hillbilly taught me that has become a part of me.I have a hard time telling men when I feel that they have hurt me because for so many years I was being hurt daily. Whether it be physically or emotionally. I wouldn't tell him that he had hurt me because I knew that he would take some sick sense of joy out of it. It was better to keep it inside and not say anything. It wasn't like he would change his ways anyway.

I try so hard to realize that the person that I am with is not the same as the Hillbilly. It takes every ounce of trust in my being to accept that I am not going to be hurt again. Sometimes I wonder when it is going to happen and I wait for it anxiously.When I first left the Hillbilly, I truly believed it was only a matter of time before I would be hit by a man. The last man showed me that wasn't true and for that I am grateful.

When I am afraid the old Fright or Flight instinct kicks in. For me it is FIGHT. I had to fight for so many years just to make it thru. That is all I know when it comes to instincts now. I really wish I wasn't like that but how can I be any different?

I am really proud of who I am today. Most people wouldn't recognize the person I was 10-12 years ago. They would see a woman who was so timid that she wouldn't barely speak to anyone. She wouldn't dare go out with friends without his permission. She didn't even pick her own clothes to wear because she didn't want him to get mad because her choice was too revealing. She had friends that he approved of, which were mostly the wives of the men he worked with. She was always home alone with the kids.I love the person I have become today. However sometimes I get angry with the reason why I am the person I am today. Sometimes I wish I could have become this woman not by living thru 12 years of hell but by being strong from the start.

I know that I was put on this earth for a reason and I was given this life for a reason. Perhaps I needed to learn humility and perserverance.

I am always amazed at how little people will acknowledge spousal abuse. They all know that it happens but when they see evidence of it no one does anything. The person being abused is too terrified to say anything and is simply hoping that someone will say something and help them get out of the situation for me that never happened. I had to leave 6 times before finally leaving for good. It took every ounce of courage to leave all of those times. Each time I knew that he may find me and he would be mad when he found me. Even knowing that I would still leave in hopes of having a normal life for my kids and I.Every person that I went to for help, let me down. I went to my doctor saying that I couldn't stop crying and he told me that I was depressed (Gee I wonder why?!). He gave me meds for depression. I went back saying that they weren't making it any better. He told me that until my family life got better the meds wouldn't work. He didn't offer any other help. I left feeling let down by my doctor. Why couldn't he help me get out of there. I know that wasn't his job but couldn't someone help a woman who felt helpless to a man that was so much stronger than she was? Even the police couldn't help me. I got a restraining order and it was a joke really. It really makes me sad how society is when it comes to spousal abuse.