Taking Responsibility

I wish everyday that the Hillbilly would just once take responsibility for what he did to me. He never will and I have come to accept that fact.

One day I will confront him on this.

Why was it always my fault when he hurt me physically. I don't know how many times I got told that if I was a better wife, if I paid more attention, if supper was ready on time or whatever whim he had at the time then he wouldn't have to get mad and hurt me.

I don't know how many times I was told that it was my fault that I felt bad about myself. If I had a better self esteem I wouldn't feel like crap when he called me names, told me I was fat and all the crap he filled my head with. I didn't have a good self esteem because he was always beating me down. He never tried to help my self esteem.

I just want him to admit that he had a drinking problem and he was violent with me ONCE. I guess more than anything I want an apology.

I want to hear, I'm sorry I treated you like crap all those years. You never deserved to be treated like that by anyone let alone your husband. I appreciate everything that you ever did for me all those years. You gave me 5 beautiful children, you washed my clothes and cooked my meals, you did anything I asked and yet I treated you like crap all the time. I'm sorry that I made you distrust all men and now find it hard to communicate with them.

I know that is never going to come. I have come to terms with this. I have come to accept that he is never going to take responsibilty for his actions and he is never going to apologize to me either.

I have also decided that I am going to forgive him for what he did to me in the past. I won't forget...that is near impossible. In order for me to move on and be healthy, I need to move past this and I need to forgive him. I can't be angry at him forever.

I am a different person now and I think he is too. We have both grown alot...some of us more than others is all!