Being a REAL Man

The Hillbilly likes to think that he is a great father to his kids. He has his Grandmother and mother convinced of this as well as a few other relatives of his.

In February we went to court to get our custody order changed. I was awarded Sole Custody of the children with the right to get passports and travel without his consent. This was a true blessing for me!

However since that day, he has stopped paying child support completely! Before that he was getting his wages garnisheed by Maintenance Enforcement. I was getting about $700/month.

He called last year on Boxing Day asking to take the kids for a couple days and I said no. I told him that he was welcome and spend time with them at my place but he couldn't take them over night because the last time he took them for an over night visit I had a heck of a time getting the kids back. He was livid and said he would take me to court. Which I might add, he never did!

Anyway, since last Christmas he has not seen the kids at all. He has seen our eldest son ONCE. The oldest son called his Dad and asked to get together with him because he made him something at School for Father's Day.

Our oldest son was staying with his Aunt and Uncle (Dad's brother and wife) on their horse ranch for a while. So they took him for the meeting with his Dad. Auntie had mentioned to Dad's father that he never asked if his Son needed anything when he called. So when they got together for this meeting he gave our son $60 to "get whatever he needed".

However since February that is all the support my children have seen from their Father.

I have been tempted to call him and tell him that if he signs over his parental rights and signs papers saying he will leave us alone for good that I will call off Maintenance. I am leary of doing this because I don't trust this man at all! I know that as soon as I call off Maintenance he will back out of his part of the bargain like he always does!

सींग थे रोड ठाट हस बीन Traveled

Sometimes seeing the road that we have traveled in life is hard to see because we are only looking forward at what is to come on the road.

Today, I was able to turn around and look back at the road that I have traveled thus far. I must say that it is pretty impressive.

I left the Hillbilly life almost 8 years ago. It will be 8 years in October. When I left, I was an emotional mess! I am almost certain now after stepping back from the situation, that I had post traumatic stress syndrome back then.

For 12 years I was not allowed to buy my own clothing or even pick out what I would wear from the store. Either he would buy my clothes for me or I would get his mother's hand me downs. His mother was about a size 12 and I was a size 3. It didn't matter, I had to wear what she gave me and be thankful for it.

I had no access to any money. He would give me a certain amount for groceries in cash and I had better have reciepts for everything and the exact cash to give him back when I was done. It was the same for getting the kids clothing and other things. I had to ask if I wanted five dollars to spend at the corner store.

I was told who I could be friends with and everything in my life was controlled by this man.

When I very first left and started out on my own again. I really had to re learn how to be on my own. I was so scared to make decissions for me and the kids. I was terrified that I was going to do something wrong!

I was certain that he was lurking behind every corner to come and get me and make us go back. I wouldn't even go out my apartment door and walk the 4 steps to the pop machine in the stair well alone. I was so fearful of everything back then.

I remember being so afraid on the train one day because there were lots of people on the train. I was frozen and I couldn't move. I hid my head and I just wanted to get off the train. This was so un-natural for me. I grew up in the city, crowds had never bothered me before.

I still have my fears and issues but they are not nearly as many as they were 8 years ago. They are slowly getting better. I am dealing with the abuse better as time goes on.

You Will Never Know

You will never know how much I truly loved you in the beginning of our relationship when things were new and you were so kind and loving to me.

You will never know how much I longed to be your ONLY love. I longed for you to tell me that I was the only woman for you. I was wonderful and you loved me as much as I loved you.

You will never know how much I truly tried to make you see how much I loved you. I would do anything you asked of you. I even got up at the crack of dawn to make you a fresh lunch every day and I made sure that you had a hot meal on the table the minute you got home. When you said that you needed someone to run you a bath and get you clean clothes for after your bath, I was only too happy to do it for you. I loved catering to you because I knew it made you feel good. I always wished that you would want to make me feel as good and wonderful as I strove to make you feel.

You will never know how much I was hurting inside because of all the times you chose to have affairs with other women. How often I wondered how I could be so ugly and awful that you wouldn’t want to be with just me.

You will never know how much pain I felt every time you physically harmed me in our relationship. It wasn’t just physical pain I was feeling. I was more hurt by knowing that you didn’t care if you physically hurt me or not. I loved you so much and yet you could hurt me and not even consider that you had hurt me. Sometimes you would apologise for hurting me but that was usually only when you left marks on my body and you were ashamed to see those marks.

You will never know how your drinking has affected me over the years. I can no longer take a drink and not worry about my actions. I get scared when men that I love drink, I am afraid that I will get physically harmed if they drink too much.

You will never know how our relationship affected our children. You are not the wonderful father that you think you are. Our children saw things that no child should ever have to see in their lifetime.

You will never know how much I wish you could apologise for all the pain you inflicted on me for all those years. I know that will never happen because you will never see what you did as something that was wrong. In your mind, it was the fault of me and everything else that made you do those things.

You will never know how much I regret giving you the chance to be in my life. I had a good relationship before you came in my life all those years ago. I was young and naïve and I honestly thought that I could find the kind of love that I had before you anywhere. I was wrong.

You will never know how much I regret being so stubborn. If I was a person who gave up easily, our relationship would have been over much sooner and I wouldn’t have had all this pain and suffering to deal with.

Taking Responsibility

I wish everyday that the Hillbilly would just once take responsibility for what he did to me. He never will and I have come to accept that fact.

One day I will confront him on this.

Why was it always my fault when he hurt me physically. I don't know how many times I got told that if I was a better wife, if I paid more attention, if supper was ready on time or whatever whim he had at the time then he wouldn't have to get mad and hurt me.

I don't know how many times I was told that it was my fault that I felt bad about myself. If I had a better self esteem I wouldn't feel like crap when he called me names, told me I was fat and all the crap he filled my head with. I didn't have a good self esteem because he was always beating me down. He never tried to help my self esteem.

I just want him to admit that he had a drinking problem and he was violent with me ONCE. I guess more than anything I want an apology.

I want to hear, I'm sorry I treated you like crap all those years. You never deserved to be treated like that by anyone let alone your husband. I appreciate everything that you ever did for me all those years. You gave me 5 beautiful children, you washed my clothes and cooked my meals, you did anything I asked and yet I treated you like crap all the time. I'm sorry that I made you distrust all men and now find it hard to communicate with them.

I know that is never going to come. I have come to terms with this. I have come to accept that he is never going to take responsibilty for his actions and he is never going to apologize to me either.

I have also decided that I am going to forgive him for what he did to me in the past. I won't forget...that is near impossible. In order for me to move on and be healthy, I need to move past this and I need to forgive him. I can't be angry at him forever.

I am a different person now and I think he is too. We have both grown alot...some of us more than others is all!

The Reasons Why

I like to think that things happen for a reason. I have always felt that everything happens for a reason.

On January 7, 2000 I had our fourth child and second daughter. She was born at 33 weeks gestation and she was only 4 pounds when she was born. She was so special from the start. She was so tiny but yet she was so strong and did so well while we were in the hospital.

I felt that my family was complete and perfect. I had two little boys close in age and I had two little girls close in age. Each of the sexes could have someone to play with and be close to all their lives...something that I missed out on growing up as an only child.

I took Ayla home from the hospital two weeks after she was born. I was so happy to finally be able to take my baby home. She was only 5 pounds but she was perfect!

Ayla was home for two weeks. The other kids loved having her in the family. Always asking to hold her and kiss her. Things were settling down pretty smoothly.

Then on the morning of February 7, 2000 every parents worst nightmare became my horrible reality. I woke up with full breasts and was surprised that she had slept through the night already. I tried to wake her up to feed but she wasn't waking up. So I took her into the bathroom to turn the light on to try and wake her up with some light on her face...that had worked before.

I got into the bathroom and turned on the light. I started to scream for her Dad to come. He woke up and came into the bathroom confused. I was sobbing. He went and called for the ambulance, I went into the living room and held my baby and cried.

The ambulance got there. We knew both the men who were working that morning because it was a small town. I gave my tiny, lifeless daughter to one of the ambulance attendants and he took her into the kitchen to try and work on her. After a while, he came back and with tears in his eyes told me that there was nothing more they could do for.

I was heartbroken. In my heart I knew that she was gone but somehow I wanted the ambulance workers to fix her like they are supposed do. When they said they couldn't bring her back, I broke down.

Losing my child, really made me wonder if things really did happen for a reason. What possible reason could there for me to lose to a child? What had I done to deserve this?

For all the years that I had been with the Hillbilly, I honestly in my heart believed that he loved me but he couldn't tell me that he loved me. He had some problems with communication. So I believed that when something really horrible happened he would be there for me no matter what.

Losing my child, was the most horrific thing that I could ever imagine happening to us. I expected him to be there for me. I NEEDED him to be there for me. Instead I was left alone with 3 needy children that didn't understand what was going on. I was left alone to grieve and handle the house on my own. I understand that he needed to grieve as well. However I don't consider the bar a good place to spend your time grieving when you have a wife and 3 kids that need you at home.

It was at that point that I realized how much I meant to my husband. All those years of being called names, ridiculed in front of other people, put down, physically harmed....suddenly the light came on for me. He didn't love me the way that I deserved to be loved as a wife and mother to his children. He was never going to love me the way that I yearned to be loved.

It was at that point that I made the decission to get out of the relationship. It took me a year to plan and execute my escape to the city. I did it and I didn't look back. There was no going back to the Hillbilly this time.

Losing my daughter made me become a stronger person and finally put myself and my children first.

So yes, it was the most horrific time in my life and I would never wish that on my worst enemy. However, it also meant that I got out of that dismal life that I was living at the time as well.

I honestly think that if I hadn't lost Ayla, I may still be there. I am very stubborn and I was determined to stay with the Hillbilly for the sake of the kids. I was determined to not get divorced no matter what.

Losing my daughter gave me a better life. She gave me a reason to live and a reason to be happy.

I miss her so much and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.

The Very First Time

I tried to remember the very first time the Hillbilly was physical with me. I can't remember a specific incident as the first time.

It sort of escalated. We were at his parent's place. My friend was with us and we were going fishing. He said to put our stuff in the back of the truck. I put my bag in the back of the truck (he was standing in the box of the truck) he heaved it back at me swearing.

His mother was there and yelled at him for the way he treated me. He said I deserved it for almost hitting his fishing rod with my bag. I had tears in my eyes but he said it wouldn't happen again.

Then he started picking me up and putting me where he thought I should be. If he called me and I didn't come to him fast enough, he would grab me by my arms and carry me where he wanted me. I felt so humiliated...like I was a little child and he was my father.

He started drinking alot when we moved up north. That was when it got the worst. He started getting very physical once we moved up there. I never knew what would set him off. Sometimes he was very nice and loving and other times he was raging with anger and I was to blame for EVERYTHING.

The Things I've Missed Out On

Now that I am in a good relationship with a great person. I realize all the many things that I have missed out on over the years.

RESPECT. This is a huge one. Respect doesn't mean controlling another person either physically, emotionally or passive agressively. Respect is a huge thing that makes a relationship wonderful.

Support and understanding. For the first time I am not being told that I am lazy because I am tired and need a nap. I am being supported in my parenting and not compared to a previous person or to a parent or told how I should be parenting. It really does feel wonderful.

Trust. For the first time I am not constantly being accused of cheating on my partner. I felt so awful whenever I would get accused of this. I would never do that to anyone...even as a teen, I only ever dated ONE person at time. I just don't have it in me to cheat on someone.

Communication. Someone that gets my humor. Someone that realizes that sometimes I need time to say what is on my mind. After years of being beaten if I said the "wrong" thing, I am leary to speak out sometimes. He realizes that sometimes I have to send a message on facebook and he is ok with that.

Listening. He listens to me. Even the smallest thing that I say he remembers and it feels great! He remembered that I said I hated the color pink and he played a joke on me by using that information.

Appreciation: He tells me that he appreciates every thing that I do for him. In the past men have taken for granted everything that I have done for them. I am a very giving person. I would give you anything that I had if you needed it. Even if it meant that I would go without. I am just that way. The men from the past have expected me to give and give and give and they would give back very little in return or complain when I didn't always do what I had done in the past. Almost like it was suddenly my JOB to do the things that I was doing out of consideration for them.

I am so happy to finally be in a relationship that is allowing me to learn what a healthy relationship is all about. I am so happy and content right and it feels GREAT!