Taking Responsibility

I wish everyday that the Hillbilly would just once take responsibility for what he did to me. He never will and I have come to accept that fact.

One day I will confront him on this.

Why was it always my fault when he hurt me physically. I don't know how many times I got told that if I was a better wife, if I paid more attention, if supper was ready on time or whatever whim he had at the time then he wouldn't have to get mad and hurt me.

I don't know how many times I was told that it was my fault that I felt bad about myself. If I had a better self esteem I wouldn't feel like crap when he called me names, told me I was fat and all the crap he filled my head with. I didn't have a good self esteem because he was always beating me down. He never tried to help my self esteem.

I just want him to admit that he had a drinking problem and he was violent with me ONCE. I guess more than anything I want an apology.

I want to hear, I'm sorry I treated you like crap all those years. You never deserved to be treated like that by anyone let alone your husband. I appreciate everything that you ever did for me all those years. You gave me 5 beautiful children, you washed my clothes and cooked my meals, you did anything I asked and yet I treated you like crap all the time. I'm sorry that I made you distrust all men and now find it hard to communicate with them.

I know that is never going to come. I have come to terms with this. I have come to accept that he is never going to take responsibilty for his actions and he is never going to apologize to me either.

I have also decided that I am going to forgive him for what he did to me in the past. I won't forget...that is near impossible. In order for me to move on and be healthy, I need to move past this and I need to forgive him. I can't be angry at him forever.

I am a different person now and I think he is too. We have both grown alot...some of us more than others is all!

The Reasons Why

I like to think that things happen for a reason. I have always felt that everything happens for a reason.

On January 7, 2000 I had our fourth child and second daughter. She was born at 33 weeks gestation and she was only 4 pounds when she was born. She was so special from the start. She was so tiny but yet she was so strong and did so well while we were in the hospital.

I felt that my family was complete and perfect. I had two little boys close in age and I had two little girls close in age. Each of the sexes could have someone to play with and be close to all their lives...something that I missed out on growing up as an only child.

I took Ayla home from the hospital two weeks after she was born. I was so happy to finally be able to take my baby home. She was only 5 pounds but she was perfect!

Ayla was home for two weeks. The other kids loved having her in the family. Always asking to hold her and kiss her. Things were settling down pretty smoothly.

Then on the morning of February 7, 2000 every parents worst nightmare became my horrible reality. I woke up with full breasts and was surprised that she had slept through the night already. I tried to wake her up to feed but she wasn't waking up. So I took her into the bathroom to turn the light on to try and wake her up with some light on her face...that had worked before.

I got into the bathroom and turned on the light. I started to scream for her Dad to come. He woke up and came into the bathroom confused. I was sobbing. He went and called for the ambulance, I went into the living room and held my baby and cried.

The ambulance got there. We knew both the men who were working that morning because it was a small town. I gave my tiny, lifeless daughter to one of the ambulance attendants and he took her into the kitchen to try and work on her. After a while, he came back and with tears in his eyes told me that there was nothing more they could do for.

I was heartbroken. In my heart I knew that she was gone but somehow I wanted the ambulance workers to fix her like they are supposed do. When they said they couldn't bring her back, I broke down.

Losing my child, really made me wonder if things really did happen for a reason. What possible reason could there for me to lose to a child? What had I done to deserve this?

For all the years that I had been with the Hillbilly, I honestly in my heart believed that he loved me but he couldn't tell me that he loved me. He had some problems with communication. So I believed that when something really horrible happened he would be there for me no matter what.

Losing my child, was the most horrific thing that I could ever imagine happening to us. I expected him to be there for me. I NEEDED him to be there for me. Instead I was left alone with 3 needy children that didn't understand what was going on. I was left alone to grieve and handle the house on my own. I understand that he needed to grieve as well. However I don't consider the bar a good place to spend your time grieving when you have a wife and 3 kids that need you at home.

It was at that point that I realized how much I meant to my husband. All those years of being called names, ridiculed in front of other people, put down, physically harmed....suddenly the light came on for me. He didn't love me the way that I deserved to be loved as a wife and mother to his children. He was never going to love me the way that I yearned to be loved.

It was at that point that I made the decission to get out of the relationship. It took me a year to plan and execute my escape to the city. I did it and I didn't look back. There was no going back to the Hillbilly this time.

Losing my daughter made me become a stronger person and finally put myself and my children first.

So yes, it was the most horrific time in my life and I would never wish that on my worst enemy. However, it also meant that I got out of that dismal life that I was living at the time as well.

I honestly think that if I hadn't lost Ayla, I may still be there. I am very stubborn and I was determined to stay with the Hillbilly for the sake of the kids. I was determined to not get divorced no matter what.

Losing my daughter gave me a better life. She gave me a reason to live and a reason to be happy.

I miss her so much and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.

The Very First Time

I tried to remember the very first time the Hillbilly was physical with me. I can't remember a specific incident as the first time.

It sort of escalated. We were at his parent's place. My friend was with us and we were going fishing. He said to put our stuff in the back of the truck. I put my bag in the back of the truck (he was standing in the box of the truck) he heaved it back at me swearing.

His mother was there and yelled at him for the way he treated me. He said I deserved it for almost hitting his fishing rod with my bag. I had tears in my eyes but he said it wouldn't happen again.

Then he started picking me up and putting me where he thought I should be. If he called me and I didn't come to him fast enough, he would grab me by my arms and carry me where he wanted me. I felt so humiliated...like I was a little child and he was my father.

He started drinking alot when we moved up north. That was when it got the worst. He started getting very physical once we moved up there. I never knew what would set him off. Sometimes he was very nice and loving and other times he was raging with anger and I was to blame for EVERYTHING.

The Things I've Missed Out On

Now that I am in a good relationship with a great person. I realize all the many things that I have missed out on over the years.

RESPECT. This is a huge one. Respect doesn't mean controlling another person either physically, emotionally or passive agressively. Respect is a huge thing that makes a relationship wonderful.

Support and understanding. For the first time I am not being told that I am lazy because I am tired and need a nap. I am being supported in my parenting and not compared to a previous person or to a parent or told how I should be parenting. It really does feel wonderful.

Trust. For the first time I am not constantly being accused of cheating on my partner. I felt so awful whenever I would get accused of this. I would never do that to anyone...even as a teen, I only ever dated ONE person at time. I just don't have it in me to cheat on someone.

Communication. Someone that gets my humor. Someone that realizes that sometimes I need time to say what is on my mind. After years of being beaten if I said the "wrong" thing, I am leary to speak out sometimes. He realizes that sometimes I have to send a message on facebook and he is ok with that.

Listening. He listens to me. Even the smallest thing that I say he remembers and it feels great! He remembered that I said I hated the color pink and he played a joke on me by using that information.

Appreciation: He tells me that he appreciates every thing that I do for him. In the past men have taken for granted everything that I have done for them. I am a very giving person. I would give you anything that I had if you needed it. Even if it meant that I would go without. I am just that way. The men from the past have expected me to give and give and give and they would give back very little in return or complain when I didn't always do what I had done in the past. Almost like it was suddenly my JOB to do the things that I was doing out of consideration for them.

I am so happy to finally be in a relationship that is allowing me to learn what a healthy relationship is all about. I am so happy and content right and it feels GREAT!

The Biggest Loss

Saturday was my 35th birthday. It was a good day spent with my kids and my boyfriend. He really went all out to make it special for me and I truly appreciate that.

I was a little teary on that day though. I was sad because the ONE thing that I want the most in the world, I can't ever have. If I could have ANYTHING, I would ask for one more day with my daughter, Ayla.

Sid, my boyfriend asked me on the weekend if I missed her. I said yes. But that was the short answer so that I wouldn't cry. I miss her so much every day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her.

Every time I look at Axel, I wonder if she would be much taller than him? Would she be mellow like him or active like Colt, talkative like her sister?

The good days are getting more and more. I am dealing with her loss as best as a parent can. I do have days when all I can do is cry but they aren't very often.

I honestly believe that things in life happen for a reason. I belive that losing Ayla was what I needed to endure in order for me to realize that the Hillbilly was never going to change and I needed to get out of that relationship.

For all the years that we were together, I belived that he loved me, he just didn't know how to tell me or show me. I felt that if something really bad happened he would be there for me. To me losing my child WAS the worst thing that could ever happen to us. He wasn't there for me at all.

That was when I decided that I was leaving for good. I don't regret that at all.

I honestly think that if she had lived that I would still be with the Hillbilly. I also feel that I wouldn't have my son and I cherish him dearly!

Looking Back

I was listening to the radio today. The last little while I have been really emotional which is SOOO not me. So not sure what is up with that.

Anyway, this song came on the radio about how he wouldn't want to do it over again because he wouldn't have the good things that came out of the relationship sort of thing.

That got me thinking. Would I do things differently if I had them to do over again? I would have to say NO because that would mean that I wouldn't have my kids.

As crappy as life was with the Hillbilly, I got 5 kids that I love dearly out of the relationship. I wouldn't change that for the world.

I think I would change the fact that I left 8 times before I left for good. I would leave the first time he got agressive to me. But looking back that was before the oldest child was born.