The Biggest Loss

Saturday was my 35th birthday. It was a good day spent with my kids and my boyfriend. He really went all out to make it special for me and I truly appreciate that.

I was a little teary on that day though. I was sad because the ONE thing that I want the most in the world, I can't ever have. If I could have ANYTHING, I would ask for one more day with my daughter, Ayla.

Sid, my boyfriend asked me on the weekend if I missed her. I said yes. But that was the short answer so that I wouldn't cry. I miss her so much every day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her.

Every time I look at Axel, I wonder if she would be much taller than him? Would she be mellow like him or active like Colt, talkative like her sister?

The good days are getting more and more. I am dealing with her loss as best as a parent can. I do have days when all I can do is cry but they aren't very often.

I honestly believe that things in life happen for a reason. I belive that losing Ayla was what I needed to endure in order for me to realize that the Hillbilly was never going to change and I needed to get out of that relationship.

For all the years that we were together, I belived that he loved me, he just didn't know how to tell me or show me. I felt that if something really bad happened he would be there for me. To me losing my child WAS the worst thing that could ever happen to us. He wasn't there for me at all.

That was when I decided that I was leaving for good. I don't regret that at all.

I honestly think that if she had lived that I would still be with the Hillbilly. I also feel that I wouldn't have my son and I cherish him dearly!