The Reasons Why

I like to think that things happen for a reason. I have always felt that everything happens for a reason.

On January 7, 2000 I had our fourth child and second daughter. She was born at 33 weeks gestation and she was only 4 pounds when she was born. She was so special from the start. She was so tiny but yet she was so strong and did so well while we were in the hospital.

I felt that my family was complete and perfect. I had two little boys close in age and I had two little girls close in age. Each of the sexes could have someone to play with and be close to all their lives...something that I missed out on growing up as an only child.

I took Ayla home from the hospital two weeks after she was born. I was so happy to finally be able to take my baby home. She was only 5 pounds but she was perfect!

Ayla was home for two weeks. The other kids loved having her in the family. Always asking to hold her and kiss her. Things were settling down pretty smoothly.

Then on the morning of February 7, 2000 every parents worst nightmare became my horrible reality. I woke up with full breasts and was surprised that she had slept through the night already. I tried to wake her up to feed but she wasn't waking up. So I took her into the bathroom to turn the light on to try and wake her up with some light on her face...that had worked before.

I got into the bathroom and turned on the light. I started to scream for her Dad to come. He woke up and came into the bathroom confused. I was sobbing. He went and called for the ambulance, I went into the living room and held my baby and cried.

The ambulance got there. We knew both the men who were working that morning because it was a small town. I gave my tiny, lifeless daughter to one of the ambulance attendants and he took her into the kitchen to try and work on her. After a while, he came back and with tears in his eyes told me that there was nothing more they could do for.

I was heartbroken. In my heart I knew that she was gone but somehow I wanted the ambulance workers to fix her like they are supposed do. When they said they couldn't bring her back, I broke down.

Losing my child, really made me wonder if things really did happen for a reason. What possible reason could there for me to lose to a child? What had I done to deserve this?

For all the years that I had been with the Hillbilly, I honestly in my heart believed that he loved me but he couldn't tell me that he loved me. He had some problems with communication. So I believed that when something really horrible happened he would be there for me no matter what.

Losing my child, was the most horrific thing that I could ever imagine happening to us. I expected him to be there for me. I NEEDED him to be there for me. Instead I was left alone with 3 needy children that didn't understand what was going on. I was left alone to grieve and handle the house on my own. I understand that he needed to grieve as well. However I don't consider the bar a good place to spend your time grieving when you have a wife and 3 kids that need you at home.

It was at that point that I realized how much I meant to my husband. All those years of being called names, ridiculed in front of other people, put down, physically harmed....suddenly the light came on for me. He didn't love me the way that I deserved to be loved as a wife and mother to his children. He was never going to love me the way that I yearned to be loved.

It was at that point that I made the decission to get out of the relationship. It took me a year to plan and execute my escape to the city. I did it and I didn't look back. There was no going back to the Hillbilly this time.

Losing my daughter made me become a stronger person and finally put myself and my children first.

So yes, it was the most horrific time in my life and I would never wish that on my worst enemy. However, it also meant that I got out of that dismal life that I was living at the time as well.

I honestly think that if I hadn't lost Ayla, I may still be there. I am very stubborn and I was determined to stay with the Hillbilly for the sake of the kids. I was determined to not get divorced no matter what.

Losing my daughter gave me a better life. She gave me a reason to live and a reason to be happy.

I miss her so much and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.