I wish everyday that the Hillbilly would just once take responsibility for what he did to me. He never will and I have come to accept that fact.
One day I will confront him on this.
Why was it always my fault when he hurt me physically. I don't know how many times I got told that if I was a better wife, if I paid more attention, if supper was ready on time or whatever whim he had at the time then he wouldn't have to get mad and hurt me.
I don't know how many times I was told that it was my fault that I felt bad about myself. If I had a better self esteem I wouldn't feel like crap when he called me names, told me I was fat and all the crap he filled my head with. I didn't have a good self esteem because he was always beating me down. He never tried to help my self esteem.
I just want him to admit that he had a drinking problem and he was violent with me ONCE. I guess more than anything I want an apology.
I want to hear, I'm sorry I treated you like crap all those years. You never deserved to be treated like that by anyone let alone your husband. I appreciate everything that you ever did for me all those years. You gave me 5 beautiful children, you washed my clothes and cooked my meals, you did anything I asked and yet I treated you like crap all the time. I'm sorry that I made you distrust all men and now find it hard to communicate with them.
I know that is never going to come. I have come to terms with this. I have come to accept that he is never going to take responsibilty for his actions and he is never going to apologize to me either.
I have also decided that I am going to forgive him for what he did to me in the past. I won't forget...that is near impossible. In order for me to move on and be healthy, I need to move past this and I need to forgive him. I can't be angry at him forever.
I am a different person now and I think he is too. We have both grown alot...some of us more than others is all!
Monday, June 16, 2008
The Reasons Why
I like to think that things happen for a reason. I have always felt that everything happens for a reason.
On January 7, 2000 I had our fourth child and second daughter. She was born at 33 weeks gestation and she was only 4 pounds when she was born. She was so special from the start. She was so tiny but yet she was so strong and did so well while we were in the hospital.
I felt that my family was complete and perfect. I had two little boys close in age and I had two little girls close in age. Each of the sexes could have someone to play with and be close to all their lives...something that I missed out on growing up as an only child.
I took Ayla home from the hospital two weeks after she was born. I was so happy to finally be able to take my baby home. She was only 5 pounds but she was perfect!
Ayla was home for two weeks. The other kids loved having her in the family. Always asking to hold her and kiss her. Things were settling down pretty smoothly.
Then on the morning of February 7, 2000 every parents worst nightmare became my horrible reality. I woke up with full breasts and was surprised that she had slept through the night already. I tried to wake her up to feed but she wasn't waking up. So I took her into the bathroom to turn the light on to try and wake her up with some light on her face...that had worked before.
I got into the bathroom and turned on the light. I started to scream for her Dad to come. He woke up and came into the bathroom confused. I was sobbing. He went and called for the ambulance, I went into the living room and held my baby and cried.
The ambulance got there. We knew both the men who were working that morning because it was a small town. I gave my tiny, lifeless daughter to one of the ambulance attendants and he took her into the kitchen to try and work on her. After a while, he came back and with tears in his eyes told me that there was nothing more they could do for.
I was heartbroken. In my heart I knew that she was gone but somehow I wanted the ambulance workers to fix her like they are supposed do. When they said they couldn't bring her back, I broke down.
Losing my child, really made me wonder if things really did happen for a reason. What possible reason could there for me to lose to a child? What had I done to deserve this?
For all the years that I had been with the Hillbilly, I honestly in my heart believed that he loved me but he couldn't tell me that he loved me. He had some problems with communication. So I believed that when something really horrible happened he would be there for me no matter what.
Losing my child, was the most horrific thing that I could ever imagine happening to us. I expected him to be there for me. I NEEDED him to be there for me. Instead I was left alone with 3 needy children that didn't understand what was going on. I was left alone to grieve and handle the house on my own. I understand that he needed to grieve as well. However I don't consider the bar a good place to spend your time grieving when you have a wife and 3 kids that need you at home.
It was at that point that I realized how much I meant to my husband. All those years of being called names, ridiculed in front of other people, put down, physically harmed....suddenly the light came on for me. He didn't love me the way that I deserved to be loved as a wife and mother to his children. He was never going to love me the way that I yearned to be loved.
It was at that point that I made the decission to get out of the relationship. It took me a year to plan and execute my escape to the city. I did it and I didn't look back. There was no going back to the Hillbilly this time.
Losing my daughter made me become a stronger person and finally put myself and my children first.
So yes, it was the most horrific time in my life and I would never wish that on my worst enemy. However, it also meant that I got out of that dismal life that I was living at the time as well.
I honestly think that if I hadn't lost Ayla, I may still be there. I am very stubborn and I was determined to stay with the Hillbilly for the sake of the kids. I was determined to not get divorced no matter what.
Losing my daughter gave me a better life. She gave me a reason to live and a reason to be happy.
I miss her so much and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The Very First Time
I tried to remember the very first time the Hillbilly was physical with me. I can't remember a specific incident as the first time.
It sort of escalated. We were at his parent's place. My friend was with us and we were going fishing. He said to put our stuff in the back of the truck. I put my bag in the back of the truck (he was standing in the box of the truck) he heaved it back at me swearing.
His mother was there and yelled at him for the way he treated me. He said I deserved it for almost hitting his fishing rod with my bag. I had tears in my eyes but he said it wouldn't happen again.
Then he started picking me up and putting me where he thought I should be. If he called me and I didn't come to him fast enough, he would grab me by my arms and carry me where he wanted me. I felt so humiliated...like I was a little child and he was my father.
He started drinking alot when we moved up north. That was when it got the worst. He started getting very physical once we moved up there. I never knew what would set him off. Sometimes he was very nice and loving and other times he was raging with anger and I was to blame for EVERYTHING.
It sort of escalated. We were at his parent's place. My friend was with us and we were going fishing. He said to put our stuff in the back of the truck. I put my bag in the back of the truck (he was standing in the box of the truck) he heaved it back at me swearing.
His mother was there and yelled at him for the way he treated me. He said I deserved it for almost hitting his fishing rod with my bag. I had tears in my eyes but he said it wouldn't happen again.
Then he started picking me up and putting me where he thought I should be. If he called me and I didn't come to him fast enough, he would grab me by my arms and carry me where he wanted me. I felt so humiliated...like I was a little child and he was my father.
He started drinking alot when we moved up north. That was when it got the worst. He started getting very physical once we moved up there. I never knew what would set him off. Sometimes he was very nice and loving and other times he was raging with anger and I was to blame for EVERYTHING.
The Things I've Missed Out On
Now that I am in a good relationship with a great person. I realize all the many things that I have missed out on over the years.
RESPECT. This is a huge one. Respect doesn't mean controlling another person either physically, emotionally or passive agressively. Respect is a huge thing that makes a relationship wonderful.
Support and understanding. For the first time I am not being told that I am lazy because I am tired and need a nap. I am being supported in my parenting and not compared to a previous person or to a parent or told how I should be parenting. It really does feel wonderful.
Trust. For the first time I am not constantly being accused of cheating on my partner. I felt so awful whenever I would get accused of this. I would never do that to anyone...even as a teen, I only ever dated ONE person at time. I just don't have it in me to cheat on someone.
Communication. Someone that gets my humor. Someone that realizes that sometimes I need time to say what is on my mind. After years of being beaten if I said the "wrong" thing, I am leary to speak out sometimes. He realizes that sometimes I have to send a message on facebook and he is ok with that.
Listening. He listens to me. Even the smallest thing that I say he remembers and it feels great! He remembered that I said I hated the color pink and he played a joke on me by using that information.
Appreciation: He tells me that he appreciates every thing that I do for him. In the past men have taken for granted everything that I have done for them. I am a very giving person. I would give you anything that I had if you needed it. Even if it meant that I would go without. I am just that way. The men from the past have expected me to give and give and give and they would give back very little in return or complain when I didn't always do what I had done in the past. Almost like it was suddenly my JOB to do the things that I was doing out of consideration for them.
I am so happy to finally be in a relationship that is allowing me to learn what a healthy relationship is all about. I am so happy and content right and it feels GREAT!
RESPECT. This is a huge one. Respect doesn't mean controlling another person either physically, emotionally or passive agressively. Respect is a huge thing that makes a relationship wonderful.
Support and understanding. For the first time I am not being told that I am lazy because I am tired and need a nap. I am being supported in my parenting and not compared to a previous person or to a parent or told how I should be parenting. It really does feel wonderful.
Trust. For the first time I am not constantly being accused of cheating on my partner. I felt so awful whenever I would get accused of this. I would never do that to anyone...even as a teen, I only ever dated ONE person at time. I just don't have it in me to cheat on someone.
Communication. Someone that gets my humor. Someone that realizes that sometimes I need time to say what is on my mind. After years of being beaten if I said the "wrong" thing, I am leary to speak out sometimes. He realizes that sometimes I have to send a message on facebook and he is ok with that.
Listening. He listens to me. Even the smallest thing that I say he remembers and it feels great! He remembered that I said I hated the color pink and he played a joke on me by using that information.
Appreciation: He tells me that he appreciates every thing that I do for him. In the past men have taken for granted everything that I have done for them. I am a very giving person. I would give you anything that I had if you needed it. Even if it meant that I would go without. I am just that way. The men from the past have expected me to give and give and give and they would give back very little in return or complain when I didn't always do what I had done in the past. Almost like it was suddenly my JOB to do the things that I was doing out of consideration for them.
I am so happy to finally be in a relationship that is allowing me to learn what a healthy relationship is all about. I am so happy and content right and it feels GREAT!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The Biggest Loss
Saturday was my 35th birthday. It was a good day spent with my kids and my boyfriend. He really went all out to make it special for me and I truly appreciate that.
I was a little teary on that day though. I was sad because the ONE thing that I want the most in the world, I can't ever have. If I could have ANYTHING, I would ask for one more day with my daughter, Ayla.
Sid, my boyfriend asked me on the weekend if I missed her. I said yes. But that was the short answer so that I wouldn't cry. I miss her so much every day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her.
Every time I look at Axel, I wonder if she would be much taller than him? Would she be mellow like him or active like Colt, talkative like her sister?
The good days are getting more and more. I am dealing with her loss as best as a parent can. I do have days when all I can do is cry but they aren't very often.
I honestly believe that things in life happen for a reason. I belive that losing Ayla was what I needed to endure in order for me to realize that the Hillbilly was never going to change and I needed to get out of that relationship.
For all the years that we were together, I belived that he loved me, he just didn't know how to tell me or show me. I felt that if something really bad happened he would be there for me. To me losing my child WAS the worst thing that could ever happen to us. He wasn't there for me at all.
That was when I decided that I was leaving for good. I don't regret that at all.
I honestly think that if she had lived that I would still be with the Hillbilly. I also feel that I wouldn't have my son and I cherish him dearly!
I was a little teary on that day though. I was sad because the ONE thing that I want the most in the world, I can't ever have. If I could have ANYTHING, I would ask for one more day with my daughter, Ayla.
Sid, my boyfriend asked me on the weekend if I missed her. I said yes. But that was the short answer so that I wouldn't cry. I miss her so much every day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her.
Every time I look at Axel, I wonder if she would be much taller than him? Would she be mellow like him or active like Colt, talkative like her sister?
The good days are getting more and more. I am dealing with her loss as best as a parent can. I do have days when all I can do is cry but they aren't very often.
I honestly believe that things in life happen for a reason. I belive that losing Ayla was what I needed to endure in order for me to realize that the Hillbilly was never going to change and I needed to get out of that relationship.
For all the years that we were together, I belived that he loved me, he just didn't know how to tell me or show me. I felt that if something really bad happened he would be there for me. To me losing my child WAS the worst thing that could ever happen to us. He wasn't there for me at all.
That was when I decided that I was leaving for good. I don't regret that at all.
I honestly think that if she had lived that I would still be with the Hillbilly. I also feel that I wouldn't have my son and I cherish him dearly!
Looking Back
I was listening to the radio today. The last little while I have been really emotional which is SOOO not me. So not sure what is up with that.
Anyway, this song came on the radio about how he wouldn't want to do it over again because he wouldn't have the good things that came out of the relationship sort of thing.
That got me thinking. Would I do things differently if I had them to do over again? I would have to say NO because that would mean that I wouldn't have my kids.
As crappy as life was with the Hillbilly, I got 5 kids that I love dearly out of the relationship. I wouldn't change that for the world.
I think I would change the fact that I left 8 times before I left for good. I would leave the first time he got agressive to me. But looking back that was before the oldest child was born.
Anyway, this song came on the radio about how he wouldn't want to do it over again because he wouldn't have the good things that came out of the relationship sort of thing.
That got me thinking. Would I do things differently if I had them to do over again? I would have to say NO because that would mean that I wouldn't have my kids.
As crappy as life was with the Hillbilly, I got 5 kids that I love dearly out of the relationship. I wouldn't change that for the world.
I think I would change the fact that I left 8 times before I left for good. I would leave the first time he got agressive to me. But looking back that was before the oldest child was born.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
I was married/lived common law with a very abusive man for 10 years or more. I honestly thought that the day that I left his grips for good, that everything would be fine and wonderful. It has been for the most part.
I get so angry tho because even after 7 years of not living with this person, I am still deathly terrified of this person. Everytime he drops off the kids and I get within a few feet of him, I start shaking like a leaf. I don't trust that I am safe in his presence. I really fear that I will tick him off somehow and that I will end being physically hurt by this person.... again.
I get so angry because I know that he is controlling by making sure that I fear him. It makes me angry that I can't be stronger than I am and show him that I am NOT afraid of him. I can't do that when inside I am gripped with terror when I am around him.
Everytime I see him, I see all the horrible things that he did to me every day for all those years. I hear his voice telling that I am a slut, a c*nt, a whore, lazy, useless and all those other things that I heard every day for so long. I see all the physical violence that I experienced at his hands.
It has taken me 7 years to get my self esteem back but when he is in my doorway, it all goes away while he is there.When he is in my house dropping off my kids, I feel helpless again. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I don't want to upset him because I know that when he is mad, it is not pretty for a person that is smaller than him. I fake all kinds of things when he is here. I smile and pretend to be happy but inside I am screaming PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!
A friend today said that maybe I should make it so that he picks up and drops off somewhere else. I don't feel that I can do that because he would get mad if I did that. I am more afraid of making that man mad than anything else in this world.When someone has had that much control over you and your life for that many years, it is hard to accept that they can't or won't hurt you anymore. I know that if he wanted to he could come here and hurt me very badly any time he wanted. So for my safety and that of my children I choose not to rock the boat. I know that I am letting him control me still to this day and I hate that but I feel that this is best for my kids and I.Most people don't understand this. It is really hard to understand when you haven't lived thru being beaten by someone almost daily. When someone hasn't told you every day that they hate you and wish you were dead.
It is really hard for men to come into my life and understand the fear that I feel for this man. They don't understand that as much as I would love to tell him how things are going to be, I simply CAN'T. I KNOW that he is controlling me in a sense and I accept that. However I can't take a stand to this man.
Even after all these years, I am still afraid of making that man mad. I KNOW in my mind that he could kill me if he really wanted to. I am just glad that I was able to get out and become the person that I am today!
I get so angry tho because even after 7 years of not living with this person, I am still deathly terrified of this person. Everytime he drops off the kids and I get within a few feet of him, I start shaking like a leaf. I don't trust that I am safe in his presence. I really fear that I will tick him off somehow and that I will end being physically hurt by this person.... again.
I get so angry because I know that he is controlling by making sure that I fear him. It makes me angry that I can't be stronger than I am and show him that I am NOT afraid of him. I can't do that when inside I am gripped with terror when I am around him.
Everytime I see him, I see all the horrible things that he did to me every day for all those years. I hear his voice telling that I am a slut, a c*nt, a whore, lazy, useless and all those other things that I heard every day for so long. I see all the physical violence that I experienced at his hands.
It has taken me 7 years to get my self esteem back but when he is in my doorway, it all goes away while he is there.When he is in my house dropping off my kids, I feel helpless again. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I don't want to upset him because I know that when he is mad, it is not pretty for a person that is smaller than him. I fake all kinds of things when he is here. I smile and pretend to be happy but inside I am screaming PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!
A friend today said that maybe I should make it so that he picks up and drops off somewhere else. I don't feel that I can do that because he would get mad if I did that. I am more afraid of making that man mad than anything else in this world.When someone has had that much control over you and your life for that many years, it is hard to accept that they can't or won't hurt you anymore. I know that if he wanted to he could come here and hurt me very badly any time he wanted. So for my safety and that of my children I choose not to rock the boat. I know that I am letting him control me still to this day and I hate that but I feel that this is best for my kids and I.Most people don't understand this. It is really hard to understand when you haven't lived thru being beaten by someone almost daily. When someone hasn't told you every day that they hate you and wish you were dead.
It is really hard for men to come into my life and understand the fear that I feel for this man. They don't understand that as much as I would love to tell him how things are going to be, I simply CAN'T. I KNOW that he is controlling me in a sense and I accept that. However I can't take a stand to this man.
Even after all these years, I am still afraid of making that man mad. I KNOW in my mind that he could kill me if he really wanted to. I am just glad that I was able to get out and become the person that I am today!
He Made Me Who I Am Today
For the last seven years I have always said that the Hillbilly made me who I am today. However recently I have realized at what expence it was that I became who I am today.
Last night I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and he asked if I held grudges if he appologized and tried to make his wrongs right. I told him that I appreciate that he accepts when he is wrong and tries to make things right.I then told him that I have a hard time telling the men I am with when I feel that they have hurt me. Then I started to cry. Not because I was sad but because I was angry.
Yet another thing that the Hillbilly taught me that has become a part of me.I have a hard time telling men when I feel that they have hurt me because for so many years I was being hurt daily. Whether it be physically or emotionally. I wouldn't tell him that he had hurt me because I knew that he would take some sick sense of joy out of it. It was better to keep it inside and not say anything. It wasn't like he would change his ways anyway.
I try so hard to realize that the person that I am with is not the same as the Hillbilly. It takes every ounce of trust in my being to accept that I am not going to be hurt again. Sometimes I wonder when it is going to happen and I wait for it anxiously.When I first left the Hillbilly, I truly believed it was only a matter of time before I would be hit by a man. The last man showed me that wasn't true and for that I am grateful.
When I am afraid the old Fright or Flight instinct kicks in. For me it is FIGHT. I had to fight for so many years just to make it thru. That is all I know when it comes to instincts now. I really wish I wasn't like that but how can I be any different?
I am really proud of who I am today. Most people wouldn't recognize the person I was 10-12 years ago. They would see a woman who was so timid that she wouldn't barely speak to anyone. She wouldn't dare go out with friends without his permission. She didn't even pick her own clothes to wear because she didn't want him to get mad because her choice was too revealing. She had friends that he approved of, which were mostly the wives of the men he worked with. She was always home alone with the kids.I love the person I have become today. However sometimes I get angry with the reason why I am the person I am today. Sometimes I wish I could have become this woman not by living thru 12 years of hell but by being strong from the start.
I know that I was put on this earth for a reason and I was given this life for a reason. Perhaps I needed to learn humility and perserverance.
I am always amazed at how little people will acknowledge spousal abuse. They all know that it happens but when they see evidence of it no one does anything. The person being abused is too terrified to say anything and is simply hoping that someone will say something and help them get out of the situation for me that never happened. I had to leave 6 times before finally leaving for good. It took every ounce of courage to leave all of those times. Each time I knew that he may find me and he would be mad when he found me. Even knowing that I would still leave in hopes of having a normal life for my kids and I.Every person that I went to for help, let me down. I went to my doctor saying that I couldn't stop crying and he told me that I was depressed (Gee I wonder why?!). He gave me meds for depression. I went back saying that they weren't making it any better. He told me that until my family life got better the meds wouldn't work. He didn't offer any other help. I left feeling let down by my doctor. Why couldn't he help me get out of there. I know that wasn't his job but couldn't someone help a woman who felt helpless to a man that was so much stronger than she was? Even the police couldn't help me. I got a restraining order and it was a joke really. It really makes me sad how society is when it comes to spousal abuse.
Last night I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and he asked if I held grudges if he appologized and tried to make his wrongs right. I told him that I appreciate that he accepts when he is wrong and tries to make things right.I then told him that I have a hard time telling the men I am with when I feel that they have hurt me. Then I started to cry. Not because I was sad but because I was angry.
Yet another thing that the Hillbilly taught me that has become a part of me.I have a hard time telling men when I feel that they have hurt me because for so many years I was being hurt daily. Whether it be physically or emotionally. I wouldn't tell him that he had hurt me because I knew that he would take some sick sense of joy out of it. It was better to keep it inside and not say anything. It wasn't like he would change his ways anyway.
I try so hard to realize that the person that I am with is not the same as the Hillbilly. It takes every ounce of trust in my being to accept that I am not going to be hurt again. Sometimes I wonder when it is going to happen and I wait for it anxiously.When I first left the Hillbilly, I truly believed it was only a matter of time before I would be hit by a man. The last man showed me that wasn't true and for that I am grateful.
When I am afraid the old Fright or Flight instinct kicks in. For me it is FIGHT. I had to fight for so many years just to make it thru. That is all I know when it comes to instincts now. I really wish I wasn't like that but how can I be any different?
I am really proud of who I am today. Most people wouldn't recognize the person I was 10-12 years ago. They would see a woman who was so timid that she wouldn't barely speak to anyone. She wouldn't dare go out with friends without his permission. She didn't even pick her own clothes to wear because she didn't want him to get mad because her choice was too revealing. She had friends that he approved of, which were mostly the wives of the men he worked with. She was always home alone with the kids.I love the person I have become today. However sometimes I get angry with the reason why I am the person I am today. Sometimes I wish I could have become this woman not by living thru 12 years of hell but by being strong from the start.
I know that I was put on this earth for a reason and I was given this life for a reason. Perhaps I needed to learn humility and perserverance.
I am always amazed at how little people will acknowledge spousal abuse. They all know that it happens but when they see evidence of it no one does anything. The person being abused is too terrified to say anything and is simply hoping that someone will say something and help them get out of the situation for me that never happened. I had to leave 6 times before finally leaving for good. It took every ounce of courage to leave all of those times. Each time I knew that he may find me and he would be mad when he found me. Even knowing that I would still leave in hopes of having a normal life for my kids and I.Every person that I went to for help, let me down. I went to my doctor saying that I couldn't stop crying and he told me that I was depressed (Gee I wonder why?!). He gave me meds for depression. I went back saying that they weren't making it any better. He told me that until my family life got better the meds wouldn't work. He didn't offer any other help. I left feeling let down by my doctor. Why couldn't he help me get out of there. I know that wasn't his job but couldn't someone help a woman who felt helpless to a man that was so much stronger than she was? Even the police couldn't help me. I got a restraining order and it was a joke really. It really makes me sad how society is when it comes to spousal abuse.
Escaping To The City
I started this blog as a way to heal my soul and spirit. For twelve years I was an abused wife. I lived thru many horrible things.
This blog tells of life after seven years of escaping and how I handle things now. The fear of this man is still very alive in my heart. I don't think I will ever NOT be afraid of this man and that infuriates me. No person should be that terrified of a person. Especially not a person that was supposed to have loved you.
This blog tells of life after seven years of escaping and how I handle things now. The fear of this man is still very alive in my heart. I don't think I will ever NOT be afraid of this man and that infuriates me. No person should be that terrified of a person. Especially not a person that was supposed to have loved you.
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